"That's Too Many"

When we first moved into our house, my mother-in-law
sat at (what was then) our dining room table, eyeing
my collection of CDs with that 'mother-in-law look' that
tells you she disapproves - even if she hasn't said so yet.

"Problem?", I asked. I'm good that way.

"You've got too many CDs."

Really? How is that possible?

"They need to be moved to the basement."

It took about two weeks for the holes I bit through
my tongue to heal, but I said nothing.

OK. Maybe I have a slight audio jones. Let's take a look.
I'll just grab some random stuff.

Margareth Menezes, "Elegibo"
-- well, OK, I don't speak Portuguese so I've never understood
any of her lyrics. Does that make it wrong for me to own this and
two more of her CDs? Nah . . . they "sound" like cool songs . . .
let's move on . .

Yoko Ono, "Onobox"
-- hey, who DOESN'T need six CDs of Yoko?? I mean, come on.
Really.

"Nick Bougas Presents Celebrities at Their Worst"
-- tapes of Buddy Rich yelling at his band, a bandmember flipping out
on Ray Charles, celebs fluffing their lines, being precious . . .what
collection is complete without it?

"Suddenly 70s", various
-- wow. Seasons in the Sun, Billy Don't Be A Hero, Kung Fu Fighting,
Indian Reservation, Sylvia's Mother, Afternoon Delight -- ALL
ON THE SAME CD ?? You have to have this kind of thing, don't
you?

"Short Music for Short People", various
-- a collection of songs that are all about thirty seconds long. The
interesting thing about this CD is how much cussing the bands feel
is necessary when the song is so short!

"When Pigs Fly", various
-- Ani Difranco and Jackie Chan duet on "Incredible"?? Devo does
"Ohio"? "White Wedding" by Herman's Hermits? They're all here.
I couldn't pass this up, could I?

Karen Finley, "A Certain Level of Denial"
-- Karen, for those who don't know, is a performance artist who is
known for stripping naked and smearing yams and chocolate sauce
on herself. Well, there's more to it than that, but it's more fun to leave
it there! This CD didn't even come with a free Hershey's Kiss or
anything.

Derek & Clive, "Ad Nauseum"
-- Peter Cook and Dudley Moore were Derek & Clive. In the 80s, I made
my then-girlfriend buy this LP for me in London and she had to
schlep it all over Europe before bringing to me. It has a picture of a
plastic barf bag on the cover, half-filled with (I think) fake vomit. She
was so pleased with me. These guys also use the dreaded "C-word"
about every 10 seconds, making them decidedly female-unfriendly!
It would have disappointed my wife if I hadn't upgraded to CD fidelity
when it became available . . . right . . .

Juicy, "For the Ladies"
-- OK, I think this one actually might suck. They can ALMOST play
their instruments. I think. The "best" song on it is called, "Fuck You,
I'm Cool". How did this end up in my collection? I needed some
replacement CD cases and someone gave me 10 copies of this CD
and told me to "just throw the discs and inserts away". It's that good.
And still . . . it has a certain . . . something . . . or other.

Dry Branch Fire Squad, "Memories That Bless and Burn"
-- um . . . well . . . I found this, along with about 20 other bluegrass
CDs, in a trashbarrel outside my local record store. I've never listened
to it. I DON'T KNOW if it's any good or not . . .

Anyway, my CDs are still in the "dining room". It would take a whole
day just to move them anywhere. And the "dining room" is never used
for dining, because my wife's stuff is piled on the table. But for some
reason, that's OK !

[Update: Since I posted this, I've been informed that there's a slight
possibility that some of the stuff on the table is mine.]