Oh, Those Telemarketers!
As some of you may know, I hate the telephone.
It's never for me [except when it rings and I say
"It's not for me, so I'm not answering it" - then
it always IS].
The exception is anyone calling to offer me
work: I love you all, keep those calls coming.
But usually it's either bad news or a telemarketer.
We used to get so many, that for awhile I had a
whole routine worked up for them:
I'd answer their questions in a tone as if everything
they said was a miracle. But my answers
would be off-topic, such as:
Telemarketer:
"Hello, Mr. Lew Grewdious [they ALWAYS mispronounce
it, right??]. The reason I'm calling today is to let you know
you've been selected to . . . [skip ahead five minutes] . . so,
how about it, sir, can I sign you up?"
Me :
"I had a little dog once. He was brown."
- or -
Telemarketer:
"Can I have your credit card number?"
Me :
"Three. I'm very old, you know."
Repeat as necessary until they hang up.
Then along came the "Do Not Call Registry" to ruin
my fun. Well, not really. Companies you already
do business with are still allowed to call you, as
are certain charities. The other day my phone company
called for the millionth time to offer me DSL service.
Would it be so hard for them to keep track of how
many times I've said no???
I had just come in from mowing the lawn. So I
was tired, hot and sweaty ("For no good reason,"
as Mrs. L would say). Not a good time to pester
me!
An excerpt . . .
Telemarketer:
"With DSL, you can be on the internet and not tie up
your phone."
Me:
"Is there any way you can make it so it DOES tie up the
phone?"
Telemarketer:
"Um . . .no. Why?"
Me:
"Well, the main benefit of dialup is that if I were online
right now, I wouldn't be talking to a telemarketer."
OK, maybe that was a bit mean.
I actually have a friend who is a telemarketer.
The guy needs to make money somehow, I
guess. But he doesn't make sales calls to
MY house. He did pretend once - and I almost
hung up on him before he said, "WAIT! It's
me!"
It's never for me [except when it rings and I say
"It's not for me, so I'm not answering it" - then
it always IS].
The exception is anyone calling to offer me
work: I love you all, keep those calls coming.
But usually it's either bad news or a telemarketer.
We used to get so many, that for awhile I had a
whole routine worked up for them:
I'd answer their questions in a tone as if everything
they said was a miracle. But my answers
would be off-topic, such as:
Telemarketer:
"Hello, Mr. Lew Grewdious [they ALWAYS mispronounce
it, right??]. The reason I'm calling today is to let you know
you've been selected to . . . [skip ahead five minutes] . . so,
how about it, sir, can I sign you up?"
Me :
"I had a little dog once. He was brown."
- or -
Telemarketer:
"Can I have your credit card number?"
Me :
"Three. I'm very old, you know."
Repeat as necessary until they hang up.
Then along came the "Do Not Call Registry" to ruin
my fun. Well, not really. Companies you already
do business with are still allowed to call you, as
are certain charities. The other day my phone company
called for the millionth time to offer me DSL service.
Would it be so hard for them to keep track of how
many times I've said no???
I had just come in from mowing the lawn. So I
was tired, hot and sweaty ("For no good reason,"
as Mrs. L would say). Not a good time to pester
me!
An excerpt . . .
Telemarketer:
"With DSL, you can be on the internet and not tie up
your phone."
Me:
"Is there any way you can make it so it DOES tie up the
phone?"
Telemarketer:
"Um . . .no. Why?"
Me:
"Well, the main benefit of dialup is that if I were online
right now, I wouldn't be talking to a telemarketer."
OK, maybe that was a bit mean.
I actually have a friend who is a telemarketer.
The guy needs to make money somehow, I
guess. But he doesn't make sales calls to
MY house. He did pretend once - and I almost
hung up on him before he said, "WAIT! It's
me!"
posted by Mr. L at 12:50 PM
7 Comments:
Hello, Michele sent me. I loved what you said to the DSL telemarketer!
Hi, Zinnia. Thanks for coming by. I guess I'll go see what Michele has lined up for me!
I usually say, "no speaka english" and then hang up!
MrsM: So moving to London won't help??
Actually, I have DSL. Had cable modem for almost 5 years, but the cable would go out every time there was s t-storm or a squirrel would chew its way through a line, the phone never goes out, and the price has actually come down to what AO-Hell charges for unlimited access, so it was a no-brainer for me.
The "Do Not Call" list seems to work like a charm except for local businesses offering gutter cleaning, rug cleaning, and those incessant pre-recorded politico messages right before an election (our gubenatorial primary was today, so you can imagine what the last week has been like).
I used to do sort of what you did, and give insanely inappropriate answers. God, was that fun. I almost miss those days, but not really.
I once told a long-distance marketer that I couldn't enroll because we didn't have a phone, and she actually apologized and hung up.
Jane: Same here around election time.
GW: Only the best and brightest at that company! Maybe she thought you were "phone-sitting"...
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