Friday, September 29, 2006

Karma - Bwah Ha Ha ha.....


Just when I thought I had nothing to write about....

This gas station's owner once screamed and yelled at me
for emptying "too much" trash out of my car and into
his trash containers. When I asked him why he had
trash barrels if no one was supposed to use them, he
yelled that if I didn't leave, he'd call the cops.

Well, I left. And I've boycotted his station ever since.
And now look at it.

Waaah.

Which reminds me - there is another gas station across
the road from this one, where, not long ago, while I was inside
paying for my gas, another customer ran in, saying a woman
had just pulled into the parking lot and was short of breath and
complaining of chest pain. He urged the cashier to call 911.

The cashier claimed that "911 cannot be dialed from this phone."

Uh, huh. I didn't stay to argue. I'm sure I would have ended
up in court if the woman didn't make it. Besides, the other
guy was doing enough arguing for two. I can't be a kind
humanitarian EVERY day, you know.

I'm running out of places to buy gas near my house.

Blog Clog

That's what I've got...

I just can't seem to put anything in writing. I've even missed my
Thursday deadlines for whining and complaining. That's
just wrong.

Next week will have a few gigs and the annual Fair appearance
by the band. So, if I don't have anything to say, I should at
least be able to complain about something !!!

Have fun and stay away from the sausage and hot sauce cart.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Transgression Thursday 8

OK, so you've become successful in whatever the hell it
is you do. What's your next move? Ah, yes, literally
a "move" - buy that dream house!

If you're the "beach-loving" type, what's better than
a good ol' ugly condo right there on the beach? You've
been going to the place for years....maybe it's time to
live there!!! Woo hoo!!

So, you plunk down your half-mil+, and buy your
dream home. [Only don't kid yourself, Bunky, it's
really just an apartment. Whoops....where was I?
Oh, yeah....]

Hey, wait a minute. There are a lot of people near the
beach. They stay up late!! They like to have entertainment!
What's THIS?? There are nightclubs and bars here
with bands playing until 1 or 2 in the morning!!
Unacceptable!! You need your beauty rest. This was
all well and good when you were only visiting, but
now that you LIVE here you need peace and quiet.

Something MUST be done! Off to town meeting! Let's
get these entertainment licenses pulled!! YEAH!

(This post is dedicated to all the new waterfront residents
who have cost me a significant portion of my income by
their stupid actions - didn't they KNOW where they
were buying their condos?!? The funny thing is, when
the local businesses go under the property values will
fall....we can hope, anyway.]

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Election Day

Ah, the elections....our time to "do our civic duty".....

Today is actually primary day in neighbouring Massachusetts.
Because all our "big" local television stations are out of
Boston, we been deluged with ads for the candidates
for Governor of Massachusetts.

And what a bunch they are. It makes me happy I don't
live there anymore.

Kerry Healy, the sitting lieutenant governor who is
running for governor, has an ad wherein she talks
about cutting taxes.
She'll cut the property tax, but.....
"I'll go even further", she says with conviction.
No mention of how she intends to pay for anything,
like maybe schools...

Deval Patrick has an ad with some "man in the street"
saying, "You can hear the justice in his voice."
What the hell does that even mean??

Chris Gabrielli has "spent 10 million dollars of his own
money" on his campaign. Now, if a person is willing to
spend that kind of money to get a job that will NEVER
pay that much....hmmm......what's in it for him?
Lock up the towels and soaps before he checks out.
Chris says, "It doesn't matter if it's a Republican
idea or a Democratic idea, as long as it's a good
idea that gets results".....riiiiiiiiight......

Tom Reilly, who has been the Attorney General
has been playing the "regular joe who lives in a
regular neighbourhood" card. Trouble is, he's
been in/around the State House most of his life.
Or at least most of MY life.

Andrea Silbert, candidate for lieutenant governor,
claims to have helped people who then created jobs,
or something....it's not clear.

Deborah Goldberg, another candidate for
lieutenant governor, says:
"On Tuesday, I'd appreciate your vote".
[I assume that by Wednesday she'll be
claiming she did it all by herself]
She also says "Jobs is the issue that pays for
everything else." Wow. Admitting the
behind-the-scenes political PR stategy! Oh,
wait....I think I know what she thought she was
saying. I guess if the schools were better, her
grammar wouldn't suck so much.

Well, screw it, I don't live there anymore.
I just have to hear about it every day!

Requesting DNA Testing...

Today is school picture day.

Yesterday, Master L insisted on going out to buy a
new shirt AND TIE. This from a kid whose parents
are decidely "casual". I have no idea where it
comes from, but he shows signs of being a
clothes horse. I know it's not from ME.....
I have to wear an 18-neck shirt just to feel like
the collar isn't around my neck. And a tie is
just a leash, as far as I'm concerned.

But Master L loves this stuff. He actually enjoys
getting new clothes for his birthday or Christmas.

Hmm....if he didn't look exactly like a 50-50 blend of
me and Mrs. L, I'd have to see some proof from a lab
that he wasn't switched in the nursery.

Oh - and he's a real wise-ass....a dead giveaway if
ever there was one!!!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Here We Go Again

What do nice weather, a Red Sox/Yankees double-header and
a Patriots game (occurring on the same day) bring?

Idiots parking on my lawn, so they can enjoy the open-air "garage
entertainment lounge" across the street.

I was out all day and came home to find yet another vehicle on
my front yard. I've really had enough. The police have already
ticketed cars for being there, but apparently when you're
hosting your yahoo friends for televised sports and beer,
the law takes a backseat.

I yelled over, "Move the car NOW!" - I know they heard me.
When I'm pissed off my voice carries.

I waited 20 minutes. Nothing happened. So, jerk that I am,
I called the police. Funny - as soon as they pulled up, the
car's owner moved the car off my yard and into his buddy's
DRIVEWAY. Why wasn't it there in the first place?!?

Sometimes I almost miss living in a city, where your only
personal space is your own bedroom. At least you
don't have to constantly move people to claim what's
yours. Well, maybe not as often, anyway.
But I was much younger then.

That's what lawn furniture in winter is for, right?
Arghh!!! I hate those people, too....the ones who
think they can "own" a parking space on a city
street because they shoveled some snow.
All "space claims" need to be picked up by
the garbage trucks and hauled away. Maybe they
ought to just wait until the guy comes back with
his car and take that away, too. And his driver's
license. And maybe kick him in the ass, too,
while they're at it.

OK, I don't really miss living in a tiny city apartment,
now that I'm really thinking about it.

In fact, today I'm wishing I lived in one of those places
that are so rural, that if you SEE another person anywhere
on the horizon, it's OK to take them out because they're on
your property and don't belong there.

Have a nice day.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Those Evil Cows


Here they are...the evil glaring cows on Route 1. Scary, huh?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Did I Ever Mention?

I hate crowds. Yet, somehow, Saturday I wound up at the
beach at the Hampton Seafood Festival, because someone else
simply HAD to be there.

The first thing to offend my senses was the shuttle bus from
the parking area to to the festival. Everyone on it seemed to
have been steeped in nicotine. Was there a huge human "meat
smoker" somewhere in the area? "Live Free or Die", as they
say in New Hampshire. Seems like 95% of the people are on
the "Die" fast-track. The worst smell, though, was patchouli.
That stuff goes straight to my pancreas. I smell it and
instantly want to vomit. I mentioned that to the person on
the bus with me, and instantly, the woman in the seat behind
me started kneeing the back of MY seat. The more we
discussed the smell, the more she banged the back of my seat.
I GET it lady -- you're the one who doused herself in patchouli
because you either killed your olfactory nerves with cigarette
smoke or you just don't like to bathe! I GET IT! In one of my
well-known Mr. Lugubrious moments of subtlety,
I turned around and said to the woman, "...and your knee in
my back isn't making the awful stink go away."
I'm a people person!

OK, here's the weird part: after we got to the beach, everything
still reeked of cigarettes....OUTSIDE! These people really are
taking their little "Free" and "Die" thing too far.

I was starving, so I hit the first stand I could find and ordered
a piece of "Cajuan Swordfish". Cajuan - must be a hybrid of
Cajun and Szechuan. Actually, it was just an overpriced hunk
of fish with some cayenne pepper on it, but I was hungry so it
worked.

Then another thought occurred to me: it's 90 degrees, bright sun,
and I haven't got a hat or any sunscreen because I had no
idea I was going to be at the beach today. I went into a couple of
stores. They wanted $12 for a single tube. Unbelievable. But, they
have a "captive" audience, don't they? I actually refused to buy it,
figuring if I walked a bit, some other store would be further away
from the beach and more desperate for business. After about five
stores I found a tube marked "$4.99" in a "50% off marked" bin.
Ha! $2.50! Take THAT, you beachfront robber-barons!!!

Freshly slathered and ready for baking, we headed over to the
bandstand to check out the music. The band this hour was sort of
a Jimmy Buffett clone band. They had the floral shirts, the hats,
the same guitars. They did a very unfortunate Bob Marley cover.
I couldn't help but think that Buffett's band must have done it or
they wouldn't have attempted it.
They had a scantily-clad woman who wasn't
doing anything other than shaking a percussive "egg". It was
fairly obvious why she'd been hired. Then, when they introduced
the bandmembers, they said, "From the New England Conservatory
of Music....." and the woman launched into an improvised operatic
vocal thing. Yeah, OK, you're a great opera singer. It really doesn't
work over a Caribbean beat. So this is where you end up if that
career in opera doesn't take off - a Buffett band?

Wow. Sorry. Meow.

Next band up was Afterburner, the US Air Force "Band of Liberty".
First of all, the BoL part has gotta go. As Moon Zappa would have
said, "Gag me." They were OK, I guess, but a couple of things
surprised me. They played everything too slowly. I would have
thought the military would have given them a better sense of
precision. The other thing was, they played "Pinball Wizard"
and the guitar player didn't play the right rhythm, instead
opting for a "disco porn movie" type guitar part. I mean,
come on, that guitar strum IS the riff in that song. If you
can't play it, DON'T cover the song. Who knows, maybe
the setlist comes from an office in Washington and the players
have no say in it. Hmm, what am I thinking? Of course they
don't - they're in the armed forces!

Walking around the various tents set up by local businesses,
I found one place called "Owl Beaver Traders". My mind
took off to its "special place" and I instantly envisioned a
guy who looked like Huggy Bear from the old Starsky &
Hutch show, standing there with a perch full of female
owls, yelling, "Come on, now, my owls are the best,
you need it, they got it!"

OK, well, I guess that's enough insight into the way my
mind works.

After the fireworks (a colossal waste of money, no matter
where they are), we fought our way back to the buses.
An amazing number of people seem to think the bus should
stop AT THEIR HOUSES instead of the bus stops.

Which reminded me again: I hate crowds - unless I'm in front
of them, and Security has tasers...hey, I need entertainment,
too, you know!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Another Alternative

With the high cost of energy these days, we keep hearing about the
need for "alternative sources". Trouble is, it's always the same:
solar (which will never happen unless we allow the energy
industry to put lead boxes over our houses if we don't pay
"the sun bill"), or wind (same deal, but I don't know what they'd
have to do....build walls everywhere?).

Here's one I never hear about, though I don't know why: COWS.
We've certainly got enough of them. I think, in a state or two, there
are more cows than humans.

How can cows help?

Well, they certainly produce enough methane, but I think sheep
have the lead in that regard. Cows produce enough manure. We
already use that. But, no, the answer is milk.

At least in my area, milk costs roughly the same as gasoline. So,
someone needs to find a way to use milk for fuel. I would think
the price might even come down if EVERY dairy farmer had a
guaranteed market....at least until Halliburton gets into the
milking business. Milking COWS, I mean.

Do you think we'd need to rely on foreign imports for milk?
Would the energy industry still have the "need" to clear-cut
the state of Alaska?

I suppose you'd have the choice of 1%, 2%, or whole at the pump.
Of course, 1% would probably be the most expensive because
it would require "more refining".

Another point is: how many times have you come home with
a new gallon of milk, only to find that it won't fit in the
fridge? Fine, you say....I'll just have 'the last glass' from
this carton and then put the new one in. You pour the
glass....there's still milk in the old container. You drink
half the glass and refill it....there's still milk in old
container!! It just WON'T run out! If we could get that
deal with fuel, we'd be golden -- you'd keep trying to put
new gas in your car, but it would always be 'too full'...!!!

Anyway, I think it's time to put all of those cows to work for
us. All they do is stand around all day glaring at passersby.
Even the fake cow out on Route 1 in Massachusetts has
been staring at me ominously for over 20 years.
Very unproductive behaviour.

Let's drain them dry.

"You can jump all you want, but ownership of the planet soon
reverts to the cow."
-- Mike Keneally, "Day of the Cow"

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Transgression Thursday 7

Well, first of all, let's start with the people who manufacture computer
parts. My motherboard just kind of melted....brown goo leaking
from capacitors, etc. Do you remember the days when electronics
and appliances lasted forever? You practically had to break
things with a sledge hammer to justify throwing them away.
Not anymore - no, now you're EXPECTED to buy a new
one (whatever it is) every couple of years.

I remember having refrigerators and washing machines that
were 30+ years old and working fine. One time, a vacuum cleaner
salesman moved into my neighbourhood. Probably in the
late 80s, I think. He came by to introduce
himself and mentioned that he worked for Electrolux. "So, if you
ever need a vacuum...." -- I told him I already had an Electrolux
and showed him my 1953 model, that had been a wedding gift
to my parents. "It works just fine", I told him. "Hmm...that's
...good....I guess...", was his reply, sensing that Electrolux R&D
must not have understood the concept of "commissions" back in the
1950s. "Quality" doesn't pay the salesman's bills! (That vaccum
still works, by the way.)


Moving on, I'll say: Fate sucks. It really does. Apart from all the
people in the world who serve no purpose other than to be in my
way, there is also the "Law of Lost and Found". Basically, anytime
I give up looking for something I've misplaced and go spend
money on a new one, I find the old one IMMEDIATELY. But not
before I've done something to make the new one non-returnable.

For example, I had lost one of my notepads. Yesterday I bought
a new one. I came home and sure enough....there's the old one
I had misplaced. Right there. In semi-plain sight.

Just for laughs, let's see what's on it.
- Phone numbers for various drummers (at least two of whom
I'd NEVER want to work with ever again - so how long has this
pad been missing, exactly?).

- The phone number for the Trenton Recreation Department.
Yeah, great, that's handy to have, up here in NH.

- A list of songs I had intended for the band (none of which ever
happened).

- The lyrics to the theme song for "George of the Jungle".

- contact info for a keyboard player who hasn't lived in New England
for about 8 or 10 years.

-A quote from Jeanne Zelasko, made just prior to game 4 of the 2004
World Series: "If you're a Red Sox fan, history may or may not be
in your immediate future." Um....whaaat? Isn't history always in
the past?

-CD sales accounting for the band. Uh oh....

- a note to copy a bunch of LPs to CD. Among them: Prince Flo
& Jah Edward. Why did I never get around to that???

- Set lists for at least two bands that never made it out of the
planning stages.

Oh, well. I guess that means my own ambition has transgressed.

AH - LATE-BREAKING NEWS !!!!
I saw Ann Coulter on some talk show claiming BILL CLINTON
IS GAY. Well, then, rescind the impeachment - he obviously
wouldn't have been with a woman! You dipshit!!!!!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Woooo Effin' Hoooooo

Still recovering from my motherboard failure and subsequent "upgrade".

But, today I managed to tamper with the registry so I could access my
old Word files again. Bwah ha ha haaaa......

Now I just have to convince companies that I bought software from that
they need to let me download it again. Not going well so far. It usually
works like this:

Me: "I had to load all my data onto a new disk and now I need to reinstall.
Can you send me the access code?"

They: "Certainly. Just send us your original receipt e-mail."

Me: "I....can't.....because....I....lost....all....my.....files!!"

They: "Huh? But we just need the e-mail."

Me: "AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

Repeat several times.

But at least I got my old text files back, so now I have the bill of sale for
our 1986 Oldsmobile again. Whew.