Red

There is a General Foods factory not far from where
I live that makes Jello. Whenever they are
manufacturing the instant Jello powder, the
smell fills the air for miles.

We were driving through the affected zone last
week, and my wife said, " . . . mmm . . . red."

Memorial Day

Today I'm thinking of my uncle George, who served
on the USS Canberra in the Pacific Ocean during
World War II.

He liked to tell the story of how when the chaplain
asked him if he could be of service to George,
he would reply, "Yeah - get me out of the friggin'
navy!!!!"

But the chaplain couldn't do that for him, for some
reason . . .

Two memorable Uncle George quotes:

"I spent more time in the water than on the boat," and
"Smoking saved my life . . . I had just left my post and
gone up on deck for a cigarette when a torpedo hit, and
the engine room [where he worked] flooded."

[As a side note, 23 others in that area were not so lucky.]

Of course, ultimately, the water would cause him to
put out the cigarette - so maybe it was the WATER
saving him . . . not the smoking!!

Maybe this helped harden him for the next stage of
his life: he came home, got married and had five daughters.
I remember when all of his daughters were teenagers,
and they lived in an apartment with only ONE
bathroom. He may have wished he was back on the
boat at times!

I think he and my aunt were trying to produce at least
one boy. So it would be, "Well, one more . . .", until
they decided five was enough. I was once accused of
being the "surrogate son" by the youngest daughter
because I was born just after her and our families spent
a lot of time together. At least I didn't have to share
their bathroom.

George got along with just about everyone (I don't know
of anyone he didn't get along with), and always had a
wise-crack or a joke to make you laugh . He's been
gone for years now and although I don't think of him
as often as I used to , when I do, I miss him a lot.

And I guess I'll have to admit: I'm glad he went up on deck
to have that cigarette.

My Musical Week May 27

Ah, yes, another exercise in "not much to say" . . .

Recently, one of my musical heroes released
a new CD. Most people might find the guy's back
catalogue a bit "difficult". But his last couple of
CDs have been mostly blues-based, so it's time
to stop avoiding him! Or, so I say. So, go
buy the thing, will ya?? Oh, be brave and
buy an old one, too. Try "Tales of Captain
Black" . . .

Here we go . . .

Number One in the car this week:

*** James Blood Ulmer - "Birthright" ***

and the rest . . .
Mike Keneally - "Sluggo!" (MK is coming to town and
I just got tickets)

Richard Thompson - "Live from Austin TX"

Jon Cleary - "Alligator Lips & Dirty Rice"

Brave Combo - "Live at Cat's Cradle"
(a download - see their
site for details)

Drums & Tuba - "Mostly Ape"
(didn't buy this when it came
out, and now wish I had)

Well, there you go. I'm way behind. Lots of stuff to
listen to this weekend. You know, before it's too
late. Whatever the hell that means . . .

Born To Be In The Way

"Some people are just born to be in the way."

I remember hearing that said. I don't know who said it.
But what if it is literally true? What if EVERYONE
is born to be in the way?? No, not your way. MY way,
of course !

What if that idiot in front of me driving way below
the speed limit was only put here to piss me off? For
all I know, the guy wanders off and dies as soon as
he's done impeding my progress.

Some cosmic force made sure his parents met and
procreated at exactly the right moment to ensure
the guy would hold me up someday! Can you
believe the nerve? Why me??

All of these obstacles . . er, ah, I mean, people, I
encounter every day - all of them serve NO other
purpose than to slow me down.

Well, except for those who were put here specifically
to serve me. But maybe the cashier at the Dunkin' Donuts
drive-thru dies right after I drive away. How would I
know? I never seem to see the same employee twice.

"He Lost $440,000..."

Cruel, heartless me.

Apparently I was supposed to 'feel' for the guy
who was 'helping' my brother work on my roof
last week, even though he seemed to be on his
phone (rather than working) every time I saw
him.

Turns out, he was in the process of losing a bid
for a big contracting job somewhere else.

When I mentioned to my brother that the guy sure
didn't work much for what he was paid, he
said, "Well, he was losing $440,000".....

This is a very interesting way that only people who
own their own business think: by failing to get the
job, he "lost" $440,000.

Now, he never HAD the $440,000. But somehow,
he LOST it. And now it's MY responsibility to let
him sit on MY roof doing nothing all week long
while I pay him . . . ???

My guess is, he's not going to do an honest day of
work for anyone until he feels he's "been paid back".
Probably wants a tax break, too.

Me, I want a copy of his damned phone bill so I can
charge him back for all the time he was talking instead
of working.

I suck.

Funny thing, though . . . the guy who replaced him
for 40% less pay did more in four hours than he'd done
in twenty-five.

Laying Low

Almost a week with nothing to say? No one would
believe it.

We've got a house guest, so I'm not up typing at
2 in the morning. Or early in the morning.
Or in the middle of the afternoon. Or in the evening.

But I'm still alive.
I know you were concerned.

Fear of Heights....and Work

I have no trouble climbing up a ladder. And only a
bit of trouble hopping off the ladder onto the roof.

Then I'm "treed".

Well, not really. But, after I'm on the roof for about
10 or 15 minutes I start getting a sickening bout of
vertigo. Then I have to sit still for a few minutes
before I can even THINK about moving.

Convincing myself to get back ON the ladder to
climb down is another story. I know how it
works: approach from a 45-degree angle, grab
the top of the ladder with both hands, swing your
foot around onto the rung. If you do it right, your
weight holds the ladder down so it won't tip.

Yeah, I know all that. That SOUNDS great.
It takes me awhile to accomplish it, though.

And why am I suffering with it at all? My roof needs
repair. I can't afford to have "the pros" do it. My brother
is doing it. But because the (way-overpriced) guy
he's got helping him doesn't show up every day, it was
in my interest to attempt to overcome my fear.

It didn't work.

Speaking of overpriced help.....this guy answers his
cellphone on my dime WAY too often. But I figure
if I take him to task, he'll probably just quit and then
we'll have two more days' work to do....and I'LL
be "treed".

I've been out of the "mainstream workforce" for 6
years. Can anyone tell me: do a lot of people
spend most of their workday taking non-work
calls on their cellphones now???

The Lost Wedding Ring

Right after I got married, I had a hard time adjusting
to wearing a ring. I never wore any kind of jewelry
at all, and it felt very strange on my hand. I had to
adjust my guitar/bass playing technique to learn
not to knock the fretboard with the ring.

Aside from that, it just felt tight around the finger.
It probably didn't help that my wife's maid-of-honour,
at the reception table after the wedding, applied a bit
of pressure on the ring while making a "sssss" sound
and mentioned something about "branding". Heh.

Anyway, the thing was driving me crazy. I finally went
to the jewelry store and had them stretch the ring a bit.
SWEET RELIEF. It didn't hurt anymore. YAY!

This was in the summer.

A month and a half later, I had a fill-in gig with
a band I didn't really know that well.

I was also working 3rd shift to cover for someone
on vacation. So after the gig (probably 3 a.m.), I
was driving up the long road to the building,
with my arm hanging out the window.
It was a cool, fall evening.

And THEN . . . I felt the ring start to slip off my hand.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I heard it
hit the road and bounce and roll . . . TING! TING! . . .
I could actually see it in the rear-view mirror, happily
bounding along the road, gleaming and twinkling in
the reflected glow of the streetlights. And then I saw it hop
OFF the road and into the grass and weeds. All of this
happened at about 45 mph.

I stopped the car. I went back to the spot where I'd seen
the ring exit the street and searched for a few minutes.
No ring. But it was dark. I'd find it in the morning.
Right? RIGHT??

No. I wouldn't.

Mr. L : "Honey, I've got something to tell you."

Mrs. L : "What?"

Mr. L : "Well . . I was driving up the street to work with my arm
out the window and my ring fell off. I looked for it for an
hour this morning but I couldn't find it."

Mrs. L : "So. You're telling me you were at a bar until
2 a.m. with a bunch of people I've never met. Then out
all night "working". And you've come home an hour late
from "work" WITHOUT your wedding ring, but everything's
fine?"

Mr. L : "Um, yes."

Mrs. L : "Uh, huh."

Well. THAT went well.

I went out and bought a replacement. (No - I didn't overstretch this
one!!)

THEN, it dawned on me. I went to the hardware store and bought
a metal spacer the same size as my ring. Yes, I was trying them on,
checking for size and weight ! I found one that matched my wedding
band for those qualities, and planned for my experiment.

On Saturday morning (I didn't want any pesky "security" looking into
my highly scientific experiment) I put the plan into action.

I drove up the private street where my place of work was located.
I hung my arm out of the car window. I checked my speed: 45 mph.
As I passed the point where I remembered the horror beginning,
I let the shiny spacer slide from my fingers.

I watched the spacer bounce along the road - bounce, bounce,
roll, bounce - and then go OFF the road, into the grass and weeds.
YES.

I went back to the spot and combed the area. The spacer was
nowhere to be found.

I did, however, locate an inscribed gold wedding band.

I went home and told Mrs. L of my scientific outing: how I had
picked a ring-shaped object of similar size/shape, driven at the
same speed, and actually located the missing item. I thought
she'd admire my genius, or at least my dogged persistence
to find the ring.

Her response?
"She finally calmed down and gave it back to you, huh?"

Right of Way, Out of Mind

There's no sidewalk in front of my house. This means
that every winter, salt and sand from the road destroy
anything green (weeds, mostly) along the front edge
of my yard.

This attracts the neighbours' contractors and their vehicles.
"Let's just park over there - there's plenty of room!"

Despite having told people several times that it's not
"the side of the road", but actually my property . . . yes,
verified by the city and the police department . . . every
spring the neighbours try to stake a claim for "public use"
of my property. I don't get it.

If I parked my car on their front yard, I don't think they'd
approve. I've thought about it, though : "Oh, I figured you
wouldn't mind. It'll be gone in a few hours."

Yesterday a second-banana for a pool contractor parked a big
trailer on my front yard. When I told him it was private property,
he gave me crap . . .

"There's no sign."

"I don't need a sign. Do YOU have a NO PARKING sign on
YOUR yard?"

"There's a 10-foot right-of-way."

"That's measured from the CENTER of the road, not off the
edge, pal."

"I'll be done in five minutes anyway."

It was twenty-five.

Now I know why so many of my friends have moved to
deserted parts of the world.

(Wait. Are they getting away from guys like him or ME??)

Anyway . . . all I want from my neighbours is to not
know they exist. Is that asking too much?

I knew a guy who worked in his family's sub shop.
Sometimes the place would get REALLY loud and it
would drive him nuts. One day, he stepped out from
behind the counter and screamed at the top of lungs,
"WILL EVERYBODY PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!"

The place went dead silent. He said, "That's better", and
stepped behind the counter again.

Bullhorn. I'll need a bullhorn . . .

"Freaks! And Lesbians! And Bi....OH MY!"

My wife and I went to the Ani Difranco show in Boston the
other night.

I saw a guy, probably around 50, moving through the crowd.
He had obviously been forced by his teenaged daughters
to bring them to the show. They were leading him through
the place, and he had this completely TERRIFIED look on
his face - as if these were the people "he'd been warned about"
.....it was pretty funny, I thought.